Rogue One - A Star Wars Story takes place before the events of A New Hope, showing us the genesis of the plot to destroy the Death Star and filling in some of the gaps in the events outlined in the opening crawl of the first Star Wars flick. I saw the film earlier this week, and it was very enjoyable indeed, but in the spirit of being petty and having prequels and origin stories and middle-quels where they don’t need to exist, I’m going to propose other extensions to existing cinematic universes that could follow the new Star Wars anthology formula.
The Godfather - Baby Don
We see Don Coreleone go from plucky, purple newborn foetus to a meandering toddler in a heavy, moist nappy. Highlights of the film include young Vito crapping mustard yellow poop all over his own back and spraying his parents in urine. Tension is injected in a scene where he is momentarily left unattended in a lukewarm bath, and falls over. His parents save the day, and we meet a whole cast of characters who inexplicably don’t appear in the following three films.
Silence of the Library
We follow Clarice Starling as she crams for her final exams in high school before she graduates. For some reason, a badly CGI faced younger Anthony Hopkins hangs around the library in the background, always threatening to create a time paradox. We see a glimpse of the future, hardened FBI agent as she returns a book half a day late and asks for more paper during her exam.
Iron Man 2.5
In which Tony Stark decides he wants to upgrade The Avengers tower to fibre optic internet, but realises that New York City zoning laws will forbid him from adding such a volume of fibre optic cabling to a building so far from the nearest exchange. Tony Stark can’t rely on his Iron Man identity here, and the rest of The Avengers are explicably on holiday as he faces his toughest foe yet, Municipal Law.
Harry Potter & The Abusive Aunt and Uncle
A nine year old Harry Potter arrives in school covered in cigarette burns and smelling like faeces. His teacher sends him to the school counsellor, who he informs that he lives in a cupboard under the stairs. It’s brushed off as a childish joke, and Harry is set home to the incensed Dursleys who are furious that he would try to rat them out and cost them their fostering money.
The fresh black eye he arrives with the next day is dismissed as him walking into a door. At Hogwarts, Dumbledore pats himself on the back for keeping the most famous wizard alive safe by abandoning him to a family of sociopaths.
Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of What the Heck Do We Do Now?
The Fellowship has disbanded, the ring has been destroyed, and the evil of Sauron has been banished from Middle Earth. Bilbo has pissed off with the Elves to go live forever or die on a golden boat or something; it’s not really made clear. Aragon has married the hot elf lady and doomed her to a short life of hairy babies and watching her husband talk about glorious battles for the rest of his short life. Legolas has disappeared back in time to worm his way into a franchise that he didn’t even appear in, and he took the girl from Lost with him.
Bilbo, Pippin, Sam, and Merry are back in The Shire and are profoundly bored of a life of farming surrounded by ugly, fat weirdos with disgusting feet. They go on a massive drugs binge and die choking on their own vomit.
The story of how Vlad the Impaler becomes the legendary vampire, Dracula… oh wait, they actually already made this, nevermind.