You are Takkar, a member of the Wenja Tribe, and you’re truly special. You’re special, and we know this because we only ever see your arms and feet, which means you are the main character. You’re the Number One Caveman.

It’s 10,000 Years B.C and life is tough for you, and your cave men friends. There are other cave men out there who dress different and don’t like you. Some of them eat meat. Human meat, you know, Long Pork. That makes them evil. They did this because of an Ice Age, and now they carry on doing it for reasons of being evil and the enemy.

mammoth_hunt_gold_1080p_221522That makes it okay to kill them indiscriminately. But first, you’ve got to brush up on your Cave Man skills. You can learn these from other Cave People, but before you do, you need to find them. They’re out wandering around the wilderness. They will all be sceptical of you first, until you do something small and silly that makes them immediately trust you. Ride a Mammoth, explore a cave, tame a wild dog. Whatever works, they’ll love you for it.

Now they’re back at your cave, and they want you to build them houses. They can’t do this themselves, but they’ll teach you an amazing array of hunting, crafting, fighting, and animal skills if you can. It is not for you to question why a master hunter who can split a hair with an arrow needs you to go gather feathers and rocks for them while they sit in the dirt and complain. You’re the leader now, start acting like it.

The wilderness is full of many dangers. Such as conveniently placed climbing spots for an upgrade you don’t have yet, and bears. Bears can outrun you, even when you take the weird potion that makes you run faster. Bears are a force of nature. Bears will eat your tamed lions, wolves, and other bears. Stay away from the bears.

At least until you tame one, and then you can ride it around for some reason. You can do this to Sabre-Toothed Tigers too, which should have been extinct during the time period you’re currently living in. Don’t think too much about it Takkar, or it might mess with your head. Like those weird vision quests where you drank eyeballs and now you can control a big owl. If you think about it a little too closely, it’ll all fall apart. So go back to indiscriminately lighting bonfires and collecting beaver skins for your lazy villagers.

3007167-fcp_09_udam_attack_screenshots_preview_pr_160126_6pm_cet_1453716692You’ve got 100 tribe members now, but this brings its own problem. They keep leaving you supplies in a magical bag that you can access all over the entire world. You can’t help but feel your time would be better invested exploring the mysteries of this prehistoric teleportation. But there’s trouble afoot, your villagers are getting sick from drinking dirty water, and nobody has the sense to follow the river upstream to the source of the poison but you.

There’s also someone in a cave, trapped and waiting for you to come find him. Take your time, kill mammoths and sleep for 5 days straight to farm rare supplies from your magic bag. He can wait. You have complete control over time and space, you are Takkar. You can carry 12 mammoth skins but only 2 spears.

You’ll be the best leader the Wenja tribe has ever seen, but nobody will know, because your villagers are mindless drones who sit around waiting to be rescued. No art will be made to commemorate your ability to tame giant, powerful enemies with nothing but a piece of meat. Nobody will remember how you fashioned a grappling hook 12,000 years before Batman. No great songs will be sung of your ability to carry 50 arrows, 2 clubs, 2 spears, 60 stones, 20 slabs of meat, 40 skins from various animals, and 2 balls full of bees.

That doesn’t matter right now though, because you’re just one collectible away from a reward. What is a collectible? What is a reward? What is a man? A miserable pile of crafting materials.