Day after day, I have people writing to express their concern for the Labradumb.
“Poor doggie,” they say.
“Do your humans know you treat the dog like that?”
“I know you really love that dog.”
And the worst of all: “You would miss that doggie if he went away.”
I really don’t know how to get my point across any better: I do not like the dog, it’s not very bright, and I really want a dog-free household.
Since that message is not perfectly clear, I arranged an interview with the Labradumb, so you could learn for yourself what I have to put up with. Some of the questions are submitted by my fans.
Here’s the transcript:
Catfoodbreath: Tell us what kind of dog you are.
CFB: No, no, what breed. I am a Siamese, you are……
CFB: Sigh. Let’s try this — what do you like to do?
CFB: I see you have a nickname for Thing Two. What do you call me?
CFB: Would you like to go live in another house?
CFB: No, no… do you want to stay here?
CFB: Sigh. Do you feel I treat you humanely?
CFB: Do you think I am mean to you?
CFB: Were you even aware that the last nine times you have been scolded, I was the one who committed the crime?
CFB: Do you know that I have tried to give you away? And sell you? And trade you for cat food? I even sold raffle tickets.
CFB: Is there anything I can do to get you to run away from home?
CFB: What is your purpose here?
CFB: What do you think of me?
Folks, this interview went on for another half-hour, but it’s really to painful for me to continue transcribing it.
I think you get the point.
If you have any compassion for cats in your heart at all, you will rescue me from this situation and adopt the dog. Please.