iStock_000014041866XSmallDear Death,

I recently looked up some statistics on the number of people who die every year and realized how staggering it is.  How do you manage to keep up with such an unbelievable work load?  I’ve been pretty busy myself and I was hoping some of your methods might not be supernatural and therefore could help me organize my hectic schedule.

Sincerely,

James Wymore (long time fan!)

Dear James,

The task of guiding dead souls through the afterlife is an arduous one. The best comparison I can offer is when you have to navigate your way through customs after returning from a long vacation in Colombia.  It’s just like that, only without the cavity search.

Sadly I must tell you that my ability to deal with so many dead people is due to my supernatural ability that allows me to move through time and space completely unhindered by the universe and it’s many obstacles (I find cats to be particularly arduous).  108 people die every minute.  Admittedly it’s a bit of a slog to keep up with it all. Frankly, I’m exhausted. I’ve tried energy drinks, they don’t work. I haven’t slept since the year 2073 BC and even then it was just a cat nap.

However, after giving it a moment’s thought I’ve come up with some tips that I’ve learned from past souls as to how you can manage your time better:

-          Stop sleeping.

-          When anyone asks you a question just reply ‘no!’

-          Create a time machine shaped like a blue police box and transcend time and space telling people you’re a Doctor even though you don’t have a PHD.

-          Bathe, brush your teeth, and pee all at the same time (I can’t comment on the physical logistics that would need to come into play here as I don’t possess the physical need to do any of these things myself, you may have to experiment with different methods)

-          Invent a wormhole, jump through it and retrieve other versions of yourself. Put them to work.

-          Stop wearing clothes. They’re time consuming and a hindrance.

-          Hire minions to do your bidding.

-          Use sticky notes. They’re colorful and they stick to things. You can even write stuff on them.

I hope this helps. If none of the above works you may want to consider slowing down a little. You wouldn’t want to work yourself to Death (see what I did there? I crack myself up).

Sincerely,

Death

To submit questions to Death, please email Death’s personal assistant at blog@curiosityquills.com.

Death also advises you read Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish. Anyone who doesn’t is destined to live a short and disappointing life.

Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish, by Andrew Buckley
Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish

From the Bahamas to Heathrow airport, to the rain soaked streets of London the dead have ceased dying.

This is inconvenient for a number of reasons but what’s the real reason behind the chaos?

In London we find Nigel Reinhardt to be a disgraced, confused, and gifted London police constable who owns a prophetic goldfish. When the Devil hatches a nefarious plot to take over the world by possessing a cute little kitty and seizing a factory of robotic Christmas elves, it’s up to Nigel and a group of unlikely companions to save the world or die trying… or both.



About the Author

Andrew Buckley
Andrew is a 31 year old, married, marketer/satirist/writer/ninja, with 3 kids, 2 guinea pigs and a hectic lifestyle that would make a German blush. You've been warned. Andrew also runs PlanetKibi, an outlet for his wild creativity.