Dear Thing One:
As your favorite cat, I feel obliged to tell you why you are a better human than Thing Two.
Perhaps you can use this list to drop some hints and change some of the behavior around here.
1. Thing Two hangs out with the dog a lot.
2. Even worse, Thing Two seems to enjoy being with the dog. It’s pathetic. Being near the dog makes one less attractive, and you end up smelling like Labradumb. Ew.
3. The last seven times Thing Two went to the refrigerator, unacceptable foods were withdrawn. Celery? Seriously? Why?
4. Thing Two puts my breakfast in the blue bowl. You know I prefer it on the yellow dish. Cats aren’t fussy, we just have a system that’s correct.
5. When preparing a meal, Thing Two often chooses a can of cat food at random, without conferring with me about my preferences. Not acceptable.
6. Last week, I had a fabulous bug and Thing Two took it away and put it outdoors. Such a waste.
7. Thing Two has referred to me as “Fluffybutt.”
8. Last week, Thing Two uttered the words “no, no, bad kitty!” no fewer than 20 times. Eleven of those were on Thursday…. very repetitive.
9. Thing Two often chooses to read on the iPad instead of using those nice, crinkly newspapers.
10. That is one un-squishy lap on Thing Two. I can barely fall asleep there.
11. Thing Two is not careless about leaving snacks and meals unattended.
12. The worst offense: Thing Two is often trying to sit next to you, Thing One. That’s MY spot.